Comedy SMS Jokes for WhatsApp in English
1.Don’t break someone’s heart they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206 of them.
2. Teacher: You seem very well read, have you read Shakespeare? Pupil: No. Teacher: What have you read then? Pupil: Umm, I’ve got red hair!
3. Milk is white, tree is green, see is blue, Sun is yellow but you are Red, because you are my blood.
4. What is true friendship? Slap it hard. I will feel your pain this is true friendship.
5. When I’m single, all I see are couples being happy. When I’m dating someone, all I see are singles being happy.
6. A rose is always a rose whether it’s in a golden pot or on the ground. Same way my friend is always my friend, whether he is in central jail or in mental hospital…
7. Chennai to Bangalore = 350kms. Bangalore to Chennai = 350Kms. Ground floor to 15th floor =15 floors. 15th floor to ground floor = 15 floors. Monday to Friday = 5days. Friday to Monday = 2 days. This is cheating.
8. English class: Teacher-“One day our country will be corruption free.” Which tense is it? Student: Future impossible tense.
9. Need a friend? – Text me. Need a laugh? – Call me. Need money? – This number is no longer in service.
10. A stupid boyfriend thought LOL meant “Lots of Love”. So, he sent this text to his girlfriend, “You are only girl of my life…LOL”.
11. Biggest joke of the century “Computer and mobile were invented to save our time”.
12. Wife: Angrily, I wish I was your newspaper, so I would be in your hands in morning and all day. Husband: I also wish that you were my newspaper, so every day I could have a new one.
13. Once Rajnikant went to Switzerland and accidentally dropped his wallet on a building. Since then the building is known as “SWISS BANK….”
14. Son: Dad I’m going out. Dad: Are you telling me or are you asking me permission? Son: I’m asking you for money.
15. When I am bored. No one texts me, When I am busy I suddenly become the most popular person on earth.
16. Husband: I want divorce.my wife hasn’t spoken to me in six months. Lawyer: Think about it once again. Wife’s like that are hard to get.
17. Boy: Where are you going now? Girl: For suicide. Boy: Then, why so much make-up? Girl: You Idiot. Tomorrow my photo will come in newspaper.
18. Question: If I eat three cakes in the morning and three for tea, what will I have? Answer: Tummy aches.
19. Question: Why were the rabbits eating the motorway? Answer: It was a dual cabbage way.
20. Question: What does pride go before? Answer: Of Lions.
21. Boyfriend: Do you think, my salary is sufficient for you? Girlfriend: It is sufficient for me, but how will survive you?
22. Teacher: All idiots stand up. A boy stands up. Teacher: So, you are an idiot? Boy: No. I can’t bear you standing alone madam.
23. Son: I think we need a new teacher. Mom: Why is that? Son: Our teacher doesn’t know anything! She keeps asking us for the answer.
24. Papa went for job interview. HR Manager: Will you be able to work under pressure. Guy: I’m married Sir. HR Manager: Congratulations! You’re selected.
25. Boss hangs a poster in office “I am the boss, do not forget”. He returns from lunch, finds a slip on his desk. “Your wife called, she wants her poster back home”.
26. Sardarji: Son, there’s a life beyond Facebook. Son: Really? Please share the link to it.
27. I think sleeping was my problem in school. If school had started at four in the afternoon, I’d be a college graduate today.
28. 1 million copies of a new book sold in just two days due to typing errors of just one alphabet in title. Title: “An idea can change your wife”.
29. A girl posted a question in WhatsApp group: Guys, If I install windows-7 of 32 bit two times then will it became 64 bit? Another girl in group replied: No….It becomes Windows-14. All boys left group.
30. Question by a student. If A single teacher can’t teach us all the subjects, then…How could you expect A single student to learn all subjects??
31. If you don’t have Valentine on Valentine’s Day, don’t be sad. Most people don’t have aids on world aids day well.
32. If plan “A” didn’t work. The alphabet has 25 more letters! Stay cool.
33. A little boy was on a bus eating a chocolate, then he took another one and then another…A man next to him said “Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth”. The boy replied, “My grandfather lived for 132 years”. The man asked “Was it because of eating chocolate?” The boy replied, “No, he was always minding his own business!!!”
34. To be a good professional, always start to study late for exams. Because it teaches how to manage time and tackle emergencies!!
35. Boss: So, tell me young man, on what all occasion have you realized that you have importance in company and company cannot function without you? Employee: Sir, whenever i asked for a leave….
36. Hey you know? Which is the best day to propose a girl? April 1, you know why?? If she accepts it’s your luck otherwise just tell April fool.
37. FB bought WhatsApp for $19 billion. HAHA idiots! They could have downloaded it for free!
38. Teacher: If “can’t” is short for “cannot”, what is “don’t” short for? Pupil: Doughnut.
39. Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command. Husband: Darling, It’s a computer not a husband.
40. I will marry the girl, who look pretty in her adhere card.
41. What is the difference between GHAZAL and LECTURE? Every word spoken by others wife is…GHAZAL. And every word spoken by own wife is. Lecture.
42. Girl: What is the price of Galaxy Grand? Salesman: Rs. 18,000/- Girl: OMG! Girl: And iPhone? Salesman: OMG + OMG + OMG + OMG.
43. Non-English Speaker: I am awfully sorry at the terrible state of my English abilities, as for the English language is not my mother tongue. I hope you forgive me for every foolish mistake I make. English as first language: it okay.
44. One person: I’ve lost my dog! Have you tried putting a message on the internet? Other person: Don’t be silly, my dog never reads e-mail.
45. Girl: I got new boyfriend. He is smarter, intelligent and cuter than you so give me my photos back. Boy: Send 32 girls photos and said I forgot your face darling, so please select your photo yourself and send back the remaining.
46. Teacher: No, Kevin – there isn’t any margin of error on spelling tests.
47. Brother: Hey dad, i got a girlfriend. Dad: Good job son. Sister: Hey daddy, i got a boyfriend. Dad: Loads shotgun.
48. Have you ever noticed that a women’s I’ll be ready in 5 minutes and a man’s, I’ll be home in 5 minutes are exactly the same…. A man and a woman are proportional to each other.
49. Teacher: Who is Mahatma Gandhi? Pappu: He is the one who helped Munna bhai to impress his girlfriend.
50. Interviewer: What is a skeleton? Sardar: Sir, skeleton is a person who started dieting, but forgot to stop it.
51. Teacher: Why you late, Joe? Student: Because of a sign down the road. Teacher: What do a sign have to do with your being late? Student: School ahead, Go slow.
52. Man 1: Why is prime minister not seen in morning? Man 2: Because he is pm not am.
53. Teacher: How can we keep our school clean? Student: By staying at home.
54. World’s shortest joke…@ women were sitting quietly…
55. A Banta was withdrawing money from ATM. The Sardar behind him in the line said, HA HAAA I’ve seen your password. Its 4 asterisks. The first Banta replies, Ha HAAA. You are wrong. Its 1258.
56. Major Rohan: Due EGGS are extra salty today Too much salt…Why? Waiter: Sir Hen is suffering from high blood pressure.
57. Teacher: Raju, give me a sentence using the word, GEOMETRY. Raju: A little Raju grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said ‘GEE, I’M A TREE’.
58. Bhola was busy in removing a wheel from auto (3 wheeler), Ramu asks: Why are you removing a wheel from your auto? Bhola: Can’t you read ‘parking for two wheelers only’.
59. Once Teacher asked Pappu, what is the full form of MATHS? Pappu: Mentally Affected Teachers Harassing Students.
60. The teacher asked for sentences using the word ‘Beans’. “My father grows beans”, said a girl.” My mother cook’s beans, “Said a boy. Then a third child spoke up, “We’re all human beans, “he said.
61. A lady broke the traffic signal. Police: Stop…!! Lady: Please…let me go…I am a teacher. Police: I have waited for this moment all my life. Now…Write…I’ll never break a signal, 100 times…
62. Dear sleep, I’m sorry I hated you when I was a kid. Right now, I love you very much and cherish every moment with you…
63. Wife checks husband’s mobile and friends all girl’s numbers saved like. New bird, Neighbour bird, Old Bird, Upstairs bird, Downstairs bird, College Bird, Supermarket bird, finally she checks her name and it was saved as “Angry Bird”.
64. One lady stayed in queue for 15 minute in a shop. Security officers came and informed her that the three in front are not people but statues.
65. Question: Define siblings? Answer: A bunch of shameless people who confidently steal your mobile, charger, chocolates and food….
66. After drinking: Men talk unnecessarily, become emotional, drive badly, Stop thinking, Fight for nothing. Women can do all these without drinking.
67. I named my dog “5 Miles” so that I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.
68. Saw a contact name “IRON MAN” in mother’s phone, I asked “Who’s this”, she replied “Laundryman”.
69. Interviewer: What did you like best about your last job? Me: Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.
70. Jon and Ron are brothers. Their teacher told them to write an essay about Dog. After checking the articles the teacher said, ‘Why both the essays are the same?’ Ron: Sir, our pet dog is same.
71. Marwadi calls newspaper office to print death news of his grandpa. Clerk: Rs.50/word. Marwadi: Grandpa Dead. Clerk: Sorry sir, Minimum 5 words. Marwadi:”Grandpa Dead, Wheelchair for sale”.
72. Brother went to propose a girl. Brother: Hey baby, I love you. Will you marry me? Girl: What’s your status? Brother: I’m the owner of my own big village, I have 1 security man, Own Army, gold mine and wine!! Girl: Love you too honey. Yes!! After marriage- Girl asked bro where your village is. And bro opens ‘Clash of clans’ Game.
73. Dr.Ambedkar just used lamp to study. APJ Abdul Kalaam used candle to study. Bush examined in streetlight. But do you know about me? Only Agarbatti…
74. Teacher to student: What is pie by 4 quarter amplitude phase modulation? Student: Jim back Roomba amba dandi boomba. Teacher: I didn’t get you. Student: Same here…Same here!
75. A month before exam: We refer to foreign authors. A week before exam: We apply to local sponsors. On the day of exam: We become writers. “Bro, just tell me the heading, rest i shall handle myself”.
76. The shortest relationship ever is between Student and Books. They commit one day before exam and after exam break up!!
77. Interviewer: Do you have any experience in a leadership role? Me: Well, I am the admin for a WhatsApp group.
78. To all couples: If you cry every day in your relationship, Shit down…. Take a deep breath and ask yourself: “Am I dating a human or an Onion?”
79. Chess is the only game in the world which reflects the status of the husband. The weak king can take only one step at a time while the mighty queen can do whatever she likes.
80. Sir: Make a train in your drawing book; I will come back in 5 minute. After 10 minute. Sir: Show me the train. Students: Sorry sir you are late…The train has left 7 minutes ago.
81. Maths Teacher: What is line? A genius answered: A line is a dot, Going for a walk.
82. Boy: Answer me 3*4=? Girl: Oh…its simple answer is 12. Boy: Ok…Good! Then 4*3=? Girl: It’s very simple Answer is 21.
83. Mother asks: Who is beautiful, me or the moon? Best answer given to her child: “I don’t know but when I see you, I forget the moon and when I see the moon, I remember you…”
84. Husband was shocked to read wife’s old school report card the comment written….”Very obedient and soft-spoken student”.
85. Wife: Wherever we keep the money, our son steals it. I don’t know what to do about it, where do I keep the money? Husband: Keep it in his books…He never touches them…
86. What’s your favourite book?? My husband’s cheque book.
87. Teacher: Why your paper is blank? Student: Sometimes silence is the best answer.
88. Chemistry at its peak. Teacher: What happens when carbon monoxide reacts with 2 molecules of iron? Student: COFFEE!! Teacher: How? Student: CO + 2Fe = COFFEE!! Teacher shocked student rocks.
89. After a trip with friends: 2006: Get home safely guys. 2016: Don’t forget to send me all the photos guys.
90. Husbands are the best people to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone, because they aren’t listening.
91. Sardar went to an art gallery it’s horrible looking work; do you think its modern art? Artist: I am sorry sir but you are looking at mirror.
92. Once while playing Rajinikanth said status to a person. Now that person is known as statue of liberty.
93. Student: Sir you had told there is the mark for every step. Teacher: Yes! But your answer sheet has only the drawing of upstairs’ steps.
94. Girl online chatting with unknown man. Man: Can you give me your e-mail id? Girl: Sure…here it’s “ihaveBF.firstname.lastname@example.org” Man: Thanks…here is mine “email@example.com”
95. That OMG moment during exam when you’ve written all answer normally and then you see people drawing diagrams in their answer and you’ve no idea of it.
96. Diwali is the only time when your parents don’t look at you suspiciously, when a match box falls from your pocket.
97. Patient: Is there any medicine for long life? Doctor: Get married! Patient: will it help? Doctor: No, but it will avoid such thoughts!!
98. Don’t drink water after eating fish because the water may cause the fish to swim and then you will feel uncomfortable in your stomach.
99. When I drink alcohol, everyone calls me alcoholic…But When I drink Fanta no one says I am fantastic.
100. Height of innocence. A man reaches hospital with a fractured leg. There he finds another man with both his legs fractured. Expressing deep empathy, he asks him do you have two wives….